Do I love myself. Fuck no 

So this is my first blog. I kinda wanted to write things down (not just on my notes because my apple account is linked with my dads and I mean… self explanatory)

It’s pretty mad how many self loving things you come across in a day. Posts/pictures/quotes telling me to “love myself” and be “comfortable in my own skin” and yeh I mean I have been. (I’ll give a little back story) My weight has totally fluctuated throughout my teenage years. I was around 17 stone at the age of 13, which i mean is ludicrous. But I joined the gym when I was coming up to 14 and after 6 months of kinda not going I decided I really should give it a go. I decided to get a personal trainer because I really had no idea where to start. It’s not like I was lazy. I always tried so hard in p.e lessons in school, I ran as much as I could and when rugby came into it I was in my element. Leaving every p.e lesson like a bloody tomato. But yes, personal trainer. Scary thought really someone telling you what to do and kinda having to stick to a plan and constrain yourself. But hey 12 weeks later and I had lost so much weight (I think at this point only 2 and a half stone, but I felt so much better). I carried on going to the gym (LOTS) and maybe just got a little obsessive. I’d say a solid year on I was 10 stone a size 10 and still not confident. I was really not enjoying things. I was going out drinking flavored fizzy water because I couldn’t bare myself to drink and put on weight and all the silly things I thought would happen. I still thought I was fat… which looking back now makes me feel so sad, because I looked how I could only dream of looking now. But then maybe that was the biggest leasson I’ve learnt, that self perception is completely fucked up. I went a year after that period of time kinda not going to the gym and my fitness and passion just being totally lost. This is where I found myself 2 weeks ago. Back to about 14 stone and thinking Fuck. So I left my old gym and started at a new one (cause I’d had way too many tried and attempts at getting fit at my old one). On my first work out I felt so unfit. Like super out of breath, and just a huge lump. I craved for the body I had 1 and a half years ago. But anyways can’t dwell on what once was, but I’ve decided to start the whole fitness shizzle again. Not so obsessive(at the moment) but I am more determined than ever to be fit. To look fucking good. I have no cares for how much ninactually weigh. But if I look in the mirror and think “I’d want that” I’ll be happy. It’s silly to think being a bit bigger can’t make me happy. I’ve been watching loads of plus size youtubers and stuff like that to build my confidence(cause I’m kinda like a 14/16) but I just don’t want to be that person, which sucks because I know loads of people might love my body. But sadly I don’t. I’m gonna end that one there. Not that anyone is reading. But it’s nice to talk to myself and actually logically think through where this all fucked up.